My daughter, Hava, and I are here this evening to tell you the story of our battle with mental illness that began like a tropical storm during the onset of Hava's adolescent years, raged like a hurricane through her college years, and continues today as a typical weather forecast – sunny some days and cloudy others. This is a story not untypical of other family stories that we, at Kadima, have heard. The details and family coping mechanisms may differ, but the desperation, loneliness and stigma that go along with struggles like these need to be unveiled for the sake of all who have fought this battle.

Mental illness has been much in the news lately. Anthony LaCalamita, the alleged perpetrator of the office shooting in Troy, was reported to have major mental illness. We've been blasted with media reports about the gunman in the Virginia Tech massacre who had a mental health history. Unfortunately the public is often left to conclude that all people with mental illnesses are violent, which of course we at Kadima know is far from the truth. What we can state for sure is that mental illness is highly prevalent. One person in five experiences some form of mental illness at some point in their lives, including drug addictions, eating disorders, anxiety disorders and obsessive compulsive disorders. Seven percent of the population display symptoms of severe conditions. Mark Reinstein, CEO of the Mental health Assoc. in MI, in his editorial in the Detroit News on April 28th stated: "What studies have reinforced is that the overwhelming majority of people with mental illness pose no threat to anyone. The real problem is that across the nation, there are not enough resources allocated to public mental health programs to meet the service demand that exists."

That's why an agency like Kadima is so vital to our community. Mental illness affects so many families and so many lives, and frequently hits young people during their adolescent or college years. The onset of a major mental illness means that someone has experienced an alteration of his or her brain chemistry. People suffering from this illness may experience delusions, hallucinations, extreme mood swings, poor concentration, and impaired functioning. With proper medication, these symptoms can be stabilized, and individuals can lead productive lives in the community. But that community can be a very intimidating place. People with mental illness need help finding their place in the community, as mental illness isolates and ostracizes. It produces loneliness and despair. It takes away one's independence, one's dignity, and sometimes a home, a family, and a reason to live. These are the reasons that we are all here tonight – because of Kadima and your support and hard work, we are making a difference in the lives of those who struggle with these brain diseases, and in the lives of their family members.

My family was one of many that struggled to cope with that ostracism and isolation. My daughter, Hava, is the second of my three children. When she turned 11, she was diagnosed with an eating disorder – anorexia –obsessive compulsive disorder, and severe depression. At barely 70 pounds Hava went into children's Hospital for a lengthy stay, and spent the following six years of her life living in various hospitals – Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, University Hospital in Ann Arbor, Pine Rest Christian Psychiatric Hospital in Grand Rapids, and Hawthorn Center, a psychiatric hospital for children in Northville. The hospitals struggled with Hava just to keep her alive. It wasn't until she turned 17, and I realized that my insurance would no longer allow her to remain in psychiatric institutions, that I reached out to Kadima for help. Hava was coming home to live with me permanently after those 6 years of institutional care, and I wasn't sure that I was up to the challenge of looking out for her and keeping my own sanity. I felt so alone and overwhelmed with this ongoing nightmare of doctors, hospitals, different medications, horrible mood swings, and instability. I had just remarried and moved into a new home with my new husband and my 13 year old son. My older daughter was up at the University of Michigan. I was having trouble dealing with my own despair, anger, and resentment that Hava's terrible mental illness was destroying my life, my chances at having a good second marriage, and the happiness of my other two children. Why was this happening to me? I felt responsible and incredibly guilty. What had I done wrong? Why did I deserve this punishment? I did not get enough reassurance from the nurses and doctors at these hospitals.

You see too many people really don't understand mental illness. They see affected people as having less willpower, discipline or toughness than other people. Even the nurses at Children's Hospital didn't understand my daughter's illness. They ridiculed her for not eating and making herself ill, when all around her were the bona fide sick children, dying from cancer or sickle cell anemia. No matter that my daughter had a brain disease that was slowly killing her!! Mental illness carries with it a stigma. You feel ashamed, like you did something wrong to your child, and to your family. How many times I watched children, laughing and shouting, get off the school bus near my home at the end of the school day, and I felt the guilt stab through me like a knife. What did I do wrong? Why was my daughter suffering so and in a hospital, instead of on that bus with the other middle school kids – or later the high school kids? I needed to deal with that shame and the guilt that was affecting me and therefore the rest of my family. As my life was unraveling, the needs of my other two children often took a back seat to those of Hava's. My life revolved around my sense of fear for my daughter's life, always waiting for that phone call that would tell me the terrible news of her suicide. The sense of pain and loss was excruciating. Hava had missed her middle school years, her high school years, and then later, her undergraduate years. All those years that could never be recaptured, all that potential spent locked away in a world of depression. I felt only constant stress and an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Hava did come home to live with me at age 17. She gradually gave up her anorexia, substituting it for compulsive overeating - going from 70 pounds up to 180 pounds during her senior year of high school. It was at this time that she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. The compulsive overeating was just another symptom of her mental illness, and this symptom yielded to bulimia not long after, which Hava still struggles with today. This change manifested itself about the time that Hava moved into the dorms at Oakland University at age 18.

As Hava went off to college, I began to attend Kadima's family support group that met on a monthly basis. This support group definitely saved my life. I met other families with the same problems, fears, and emotions that I was experiencing. I didn't feel so alone and desperate anymore. Other people had children in college that were struggling with depression, that were suicidal. I had a place to go where people would understand, where people didn't judge me, and most important where people could give me good advice as to how to get the help and services that my daughter needed. These mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers, were all struggling like I was to cope with the mental illness monster that had invaded their families.

Parents struggling to understand their child's battle with depression and other mental illnesses must find a similar support group. Kadima was my lifeline, but I had to wait for this lifeline, as there was no family support group in Metro Detroit for parents with children with mental illness. I vowed then that I would one day change that, and I am so proud to say that today Kadima has expanded their mission to serve families dealing with sons and daughters younger than age 18 who are struggling with the mental illness monster. Kadima, this wonderful mental health agency whose mission is to enhance the quality of lives for individuals and their families affected by psychiatric disabilities, can now help mothers and fathers of elementary, middle and high school kids. Kadima provides residential options, supported employment and social activities here in our wonderful Zussman Activities center for clients ages 18 years and beyond whom have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or chronic depression. 22 years ago Kadima had one home with six clients – today they serve 175 people through 19 residential facilities and outreach programs. This is the agency that helped me to see my nightmare with Hava more clearly.

When Hava dropped out of Oakland University, and came home paralyzed by her depression, Kadima showed me that if I loved my daughter, I was not helping her by keeping her in my home. In fact I was enabling many of her self-defeating behaviors. I had to get Hava out of my home and into an independent living situation, supervised by Kadima's case coordinators. This process took a while, and right before Hava's 21st birthday, I told her she could no longer live in my house. Janette Shallal, herself, advised me to change the locks on my doors so that Hava no longer had free access into my home. Can you imagine locking your own child out of your home, when every bone in your body wants to reach out and save her? I could not have gone through this alone – it was Kadima that helped to guide me through this terrible time in my life. Families MUST find support to help them deal with the mental illness of their child. It is too difficult and scary to tackle this monster alone. I could never have found the strength to carry on without their incredible support. Hava went to live in one of Kadima's apartments in Oak Park, where she struggled terribly with depression, alcohol, and drugs.

The college years were the most painful ones that I endured. I felt as if I had lost my daughter forever. Before I turn the floor over to my daughter, I would like to share an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to Hava during the early months of her freshman year at Oakland University.

That letter was written 13 years ago. Since that terrible time, Hava has worked hard, in between bouts of depression, and earned her Bachelor's Degree from Oakland University exactly one year ago. I still feel great pain as I ride the emotional roller coaster of her mental illness. It really doesn't get much easier when the crash comes and my daughter stops communicating with me for days at a time. That same loneliness and sadness descends upon me. It is a pain that resides in the depth of my being – and I have no choice but to learn to live with it. I am proud to say that my daughter, with medication and a lot of support, has found the strength to continue to fight this ongoing struggle with her mental illness. It has been 20 difficult years since she was first diagnosed with psychiatric disabilities. The hurricane has subsided somewhat, but there are still far too many cloudy days to get through. I will let Hava share some of those details with you.

Hava's Portion for Kadima Speech—May 2007

You just heard from my mother on how Kadima played an important role in helping her get through some incredibly difficult times. The many services that Kadima provides also helped me to survive when I found I had nowhere else to turn.

I had just returned from Arizona where I had spent the last few months undergoing intensive treatment at a specialized center for women suffering from eating disorders. Upon my return home, I found myself in a desperate situation. My mother had been advised not to let me back in the house and I had minimal funds remaining to survive on. My treatment in Arizona had cost me all of my savingsÉ well over $30,000. I had very few friends left in the area and had to face the fact that I had nowhere else to turn.

For quite some time, my mother had been urging me to explore the various services Kadima had to offer. I am quite notorious for my stubborn will. Where sometimes it proves to be my greatest asset, in this instance it functioned as an acute liability. Having exhausted all other options, I finally humbled myself to the point where I picked up the phone and dialed Kadima's number. I spoke with Janette Shallal, and explained to her how I had spent the night in a local motel, and that I was basically living out of the trunk of my car. Without a moments hesitation, she urged me to drive on over to their office in Southfield and to come speak with her in person.

I was shocked to discover the vast extent to which Kadima was willing to help me. By the end of that day, they had set me up with a roof over my head and I had a supportive environment intact. I was introduced to my case manager who handed me a set of keys to one of their fully furnished apartments. I followed him out to my new residence where he helped me get settled and informed me that someone would be by later on that evening to check and see how I was doing. For the next few months, I was able to survive with the assistance of this program. Someone came to check on me at least once a day, and I was provided with the support I needed in order to begin getting my life back on track. I would visit with a social worker at the Kadima office at least once a week. She helped set me back up with CMH - Community Mental Health - where I was assigned to a psychiatrist to help get me back on medication.

Kadima helped me fill my days by providing me with volunteer work in their office. I would spend a block of time there answering the phones and taking messages. It was there that I became friendly with a few of their other clients. I now had somewhere to go and people I could relate to, as opposed to isolating myself behind the locked confines of my apartment. Kadima also provided some family counseling where I could begin to mend and repair the rift that had long since grown between my mother and myself. Most of all, they provided a support group where my mother could vent much of her frustration. The support that she found there helped knock down some of the barriers we had long since built up between us, and the groundwork was now in place to help us establish some healthy and much more productive relations.

I wish I could say that Kadima was the last boost that I needed in order to overcome my problems. Unfortunately, life is a bit more complicated then that! It is only within the last 5-6 years that I have begun to find coping mechanisms enabling me to move forward and begin to piece together my life. I fight an ongoing battle, and even today am faced with days where I simply do not have the will or cannot muster enough energy to do so much as get out of bed. Nevertheless, I work hard at taking one day at a time and not allowing my crippling depression to destroy everything I have achieved.

My anxiety increases as I approach each milestone I encounter in life. I am proud to announce, that I have finally found the strength to remain strong and to fight my way through to success, rather than shirk my responsibilities and repeatedly sabotage months (if not years) of hard work. I am no longer in a repetitive cycle of coming close, but never actually reaping the rewards of my efforts. In fact, with each milestone conquered, I have found it easier to carry on. As my own sense of pride, confidence, and most importantly self-esteem increases, a whole new world of opportunities has begun to unfold.

My first huge success was officially obtaining my Associate's Degree in 2003. At first glance, an Associate's Degree may not appear to be much of an achievement, but I have long since learned not to downplay any of my accomplishments. What appears on the surface can be utterly deceiving.

Upon graduating from high school in 94' with a 4.0 and high honors, I was awarded double scholarships to attend Oakland University's Honors College. Little did I know of the twist of events that my evolving illness had in store for me. Whereas academics were once my pride and joy, at the age of 18, I found my concentration level significantly dropping. The lofty goals I had originally planned for my future soon became nothing more than rapidly fleeting memories. School was no longer a welcome challenge; rather, it became an uphill battle seemingly impossible to overcome.

Although I was once acclaimed for being so academically oriented, I suddenly found myself grappling with the bitter disappointment of failing to succeed. My terrible bouts of depression and anxiety made the simple task of getting out of bed in the morning an ostensibly hopeless act. I would fight time and again to pull myself out of the doldrums, only to find that months of hard work could so easily be terminated by a single bad day. I was caught in a most discouraging cycle of self-sabotage. I was riding an exhausting merry-go-round that lacked any finality to its route. My successes never lasted long enough in order to allow me to reap the benefits of a self-gratifying reward. With each passing year, I burned yet another bridge. My time was running thin. I lived in constant fear not quite sure how much more I could take.

I would like to share with you an excerpt from a letter I wrote my mom during this time. It is a prime example of my bitter struggle as I attempted to make sense of my disease:

Don't worryÉ now there's a senseless phrase! Dear momÉ I hate life, wish I were dead, am on my way to be locked behind the confines of a psychiatric institution to protect me from myself, but don't bother concerning yourself with such matters. Clearly, there is nothing to be alarmed about!

I only allowed myself a peripheral understanding of how my illness impacted those people in my life who cared about me. It wasn't that I lacked the skills to comprehend—so much as it was my attempt at keeping as many emotions as possible at bay. I was in constant terror of reaching a poignant overload. My mother suffered as she mourned the loss of my irreplaceable youth. I was not immune to her sorrows. In fact, this was one more element added to my own abounding guilt. In the back of my mind, there existed an overriding sense of shame. What kind of daughter was I when the pain I was causing my mother seemed to pale in light of the throbbing ache that refused to yield inside myself?

I grew angry at the world, and especially toward myself. Every day passing me by was yet another missed opportunity. I could never regain those moments of lost time. How I longed to be a part of the group and to inconspicuously blend into a crowd of my peers. I was so lonely! Granted, my mental illness was clearly my worst enemy. But sometimes, this same enemy can prove to be an only friend!

I have repeatedly described mental illness as a monster. Indeed, it is monster that could be hiding in anyone's closet. There is so much shame and embarrassment that goes along with mental illness. We have come a long way as a community in beginning to try and understand and break down the stigmas associated with psychiatric disorders. They are, in fact, brain disorders. The more we understand them, the more likely we will be able to treat them with medication just as we do diabetes and other physical ailments of such sorts.

I am more than thankful to have found the strength to come so far. In May of 2006, at the age of 30, I finally won a battle that had begun 12 years prior. I at long last obtained a Bachelor's Degree from Oakland University's Honors College. And I continue to fight my way in moving forward in life. I stand before you today, an absolute nervous wreck, as I prepare to take the law school entrance exams scheduled for less than a month away. I amaze myself at how focused I have become in my drive to achieve my own dreams and goals in life. I have finally begun to believe in myself. I remain cautious, though. I know my limitations and I have to be extra careful to balance my academic demands with a limited work schedule and even more limited social life. I have to promise myself that I will take action at the first sign of depression. I will forever be locked in battle with my eating disorder making sure that its silently encroaching insistence does not overpower and cast a suffocating shadow over my life.

My openness in being able to talk about my own personal plight has allowed me a unique window of opportunity to touch the lives of so many unsuspecting individuals. I cannot even begin to stress how many times people have thankfully shared their own stories with me. There has been countless times where I've received surprised responses indicating that they would never have known of my struggles simply by looking at me. I have to frequently remind myself, as well, that I am not the monster; Rather, I am the one locked in battle with my demons. These are the obstacles that I must strive to overcome.

Believe me when I say that I have barely even scratched the surface as to the ways that Kadima has been of assistance to my family and myself. Nor have the details I have just now disclosed even begun to make a dent in my long and detailed list of personal history with mental illness. Although I do not currently need the extra assistance, it is a great relief to know that there is somewhere I can go, and people I can turn to, if ever I need the help. I credit Kadima in many ways with having helped me to survive during some of my most difficult times. I will forever be grateful to Kadima and the dedicated and compassionate people who reached out and in so many ways, helped me to help myself.

My mother describes Kadima as having been her lifeline! It has become my mother's mission to help Kadima educate and sensitize the Jewish community and the public at large that mental illness is a brain disease and adults with psychiatric disabilities need to be valued and integrated members of the community. Today she is the chairperson of the upcoming Kadima Educational Conference, part of the new Kadima Youth Initiative, and as of today, she is the new President of Kadima. I think our story can help all of us here to understand why my mother is so passionate about Kadima expanding its mission to focus on youth with mental illness. And I can personally attest to the many reasons why my mother will make an excellent Kadima President.

Mom, I am so proud of all you have accomplished. As we stand here today and reflect on how far we have come from the early days when we were first introduced to the services Kadima has to offer, there is one thing of which I am certain. You are truly my inspiration. You never give up, no matter what obstacles or hardships come your way. Sure, we have had our ups and downs, but you never lost faith in meÉ even when I lost faith in myself. You have taught me to embrace my differences and to transform my weaknesses into my greatest strengths. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for your unconditional love, unwavering support, and inexhaustible drive to make this world a better place. Congratulations! Kadima could not have selected a more deserving or better-qualified President. I am excited for all the great things you have in store for this vital organization!!

After Hava's portion

So here I am today, the new president of Kadima. Because of my daughter, it is now my mission to help educate and sensitize the community that mental illness is a brain disease, and that our youth are susceptible to psychiatric disabilities and suicide. We must fight the battle against this terrible stigma that comes with having a family member that struggles with mental illness. We must support efforts to educate our young adult children about the warning signs of depression and impending suicide.

As your new president, my goals for Kadima are already being realized!! Kadima has a new division dedicated to servicing families with children with mental illness. We are calling this new division the Kadima Youth Initiative. Kadima, in a partnership with Jewish Family Services, has received a grant from the Jewish Fund to run a Family Advocacy Support Group for Families of Children with Behavioral Issues including ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Eating Disorders to name a few. What I wouldn't have given for such a support group when Hava was in middle and high school. I am so proud to know that Kadima now has a therapist to give parents opportunities to learn coping skills, share experiences, learn how to advocate for the appropriate services, and meet others who share similar challenges. In addition to this support group for young families, the Educational Conference Committee has been working very hard to put together a day of learning and exploration at Oakland University on November 16th. This conference is entitled "When Mental Illness First Appears: Advocating For Our Youth At Risk." As part of the Kadima Youth Initiative, this Educational Conference hopes to attract university students and professors, mental health professionals, families with affected children, and educators to tackle subjects such as the juvenile justice system, diagnosis and treatment issues affecting our youth, pharmacology updates, advocacy and resources in our public schools for children, suicide identification and prevention, psychotherapy, and advocacy and resources for our young people in the community. This Educational Conference, in association with the Oakland University School of Nursing, the Oakland County Community Mental Health Authority, the U of M Depression Center, The Association for Children's Mental Health, Hawthorn Center, Havenwyck, and the Oakland Intermediate School District, is a grand attempt to examine our mental health system for our youth in Michigan, see what is working well and what might need to be fixed. We hope to accomplish a lot, and we certainly hope to see you all there.

My goals for our seasoned and new board members are to meet with each of you, find out where your Kadima interests lie, and see that each of you contribute your talents and expertise. I promise to be available by cell phone, home phone, and especially by e-mail. Trust me, you will be hearing from me by e-mail. You will get notification of every Kadima activity going on so that you can interact with our clients. I highly encourage all of you to visit at least one of the Kadima homes and get to know the clients. Come once in a while on Friday afternoon for the Shabbat luncheon here in the Kadima Activities Center. I can't tell you how appreciative the clients are when I show up and chat with them over lunch. We laugh, we dance Israeli dances, and share stories. These clients are a family and care so much about each other. It is so beautiful to see!!

We are planning a Kadima orientation on Monday, June 4th in the evening for everyone – so that all the board members know how Kadima operates and what our policies are, and so that you can be incredibly knowledgeable to answer any questions out there in the community.

I welcome our new board members and our new officers. I'm proud to have my family present at this annual dinner, and in the Kadima Activities Center. It is really an honor for me to look forward to leaving my personal legacy with Kadima during the next two years. I am very excited to be your new president.